When I was a young child, I pondered (like many other children) on what my life would be like "when I grew up". I wanted to be many things.
-Mom
-Teacher
-Friend
-Wife
-Missionary
-Student
-Daddy's little girl
-Gorgeous
-Rich
-African American
As I grew, some of those pursuits, however, were lost by the way side and still others I quickly found were not possible. This did not take me aback. I continued on in my neatly guided path, resisting good advice sometimes, but ultimately succeeding until "teenager-dom". By this time the majority of things aforementioned no longer seemed as important. (i.e. African American, just not going to happen. Rich, not imperative for my happiness. Gorgeous, again… it has to do with your genes.. Teacher, one of those things that I quickly realized wasn't as cool as it sounds.) Then came my twenties. I was married, check, and a student, check. I thought to my-self, "Good we're on the right track." Right? A year passed… no baby. Another year passed… still no baby and with two miscarriages under my belt, a husband that said he didn't love me, estranged family, a dead-end job, and arguments every day of my life. We separated. I got a roommate, and a few months later joined the Air Force. (Wife, been there done that. Mother, hopefully later. Missionary, divorce would disqualify me.) So at this point my list looked a little more like this. No better time to re-evaluate your life, right?
X-Mom X-Teacher -Friend
X-Wife -Missionary X-Student
X-Gorgeous X-Rich X-Daddy's little girl
X-Become African American
Wrong, NO TIME! Between divorcing my husband, trying to become fluent in some crazy language in less than a year, volunteering, tutoring, church, staying physically fit (or rather obsessing about exercise and my weight), and doctors appointments to figure out what I was so allergic to I had barely enough time to sleep. So I get to TX and immediately get to work on "what I want to be when I grow up". Here was my new list:
-Wife (again… but in no less than 4 years)
-Mother
-Student (Finished with my Masters degree)
-A TSgt by the end of my first enlistment
-Multi lingual (as much language as I can retain)
-Stay a size five
-Spiritually Strong
-Clean
-Not so judgmental against the male race. ;)
Good things, Right? So wife and mother were on hold for a while but to fulfill other goals my yearly plan was to:
-Be a student at "The University of Maryland" (check)
-Get BTZ and test for staff in May (check)
-Start working on maintenance in my current lingual skills and pick up another (check)
-Exercise and eat right. (check)
-Attend all meetings regularly (not just Sunday). (half check)
-Make better friends (i.e. Same values, LDS, and nice to me.) (check… but harder than one would think.)
-Date people I actually like. (Also easier said than done.)
So I went to work. And, in Aug. because the only goals left for the year were the last three I tackled them. I magnified my callings, became more involved with the YSA program, and asked a boy on a date. We went and had a great time. And now, two weeks later he has a girlfriend. Good on him! But, it still didn't change the fact that it wasn'tME.
I'm ok though. I was thinking about it yesterday, and it's sad. It's sad that I've dated many boys, and spent much time with each, BUT in all that time spent there has only been one that I truly liked, had my standards, and was worth my time… including my ex-husband. What a waste! Right? Not entirely. I've learned many things along the way, but it's still sad that this is my first real rejection. (He didn't actually reject me… it just feels that way.) And do you want to know something? I don't know what I was protecting myself from (when dating people that would waste my time and that I wasn't really having as much fun with as someone else). It wasn't that bad. In fact, it sucks more not having REAL fun. I'm ok.
But here's the curve ball. I put this one off cause I thought it would be the hardest… it was fine. I still like him. We're still friends. And, I'm happier than ever!
